yalla | surely i got lost in front of you / bonus features (Reply)

flop femslash no one will read

:smoking: on the low i've hit rock bottom. like i'm actually that one guy who's too himejoshi and FOR WHAT... FOR WHAT?! ALL-GUY'S MIXER?!?!?!!??!?!?? more under the cut

title from eve's heart forecast.. mmj cover kinda carried me through the last legs of it. i started this sometime after ntyiab, mostly bc i wanted to write a fic that actually includes my headcanons for the bar staff bc i really don't think aokawa will care like that. i think that Those 2 Guys dynamix are inherently good like i rlly do love a side duo of guys and i don't think i'm smoking dick regarding them being fairly close due to the split always being suo+fuji+kohaku/karasuba+hashibami when they're like doing chores or going home or whatever. i'm literally subsisting on crumbs but i will eat them like they're a square meal..

construction
already said i wanted headcanon city BUT between me starting this and finishing it they got designs and more than 3 lines so it's like oooooo i don't know.. the only thing worse than a lack of characterization is characterization i don't agree with... well if you see me walking around with blonde and black-haired japanese lesbian bartender ocs named haruna and ayumi.... please just look away. anyway this fic probably could be changed into some other characters bc they don't have all this in the text... halfway through i was like FUCK THIS IS HORIKASHI GSNK. IF THEY ONLY KNEW EACH OTHER IN COLLEGE AND ALSO HORI WAS A WOMAN!!!!!! so feel free to imagine some other ships. i can't even defend myself but if every haikyuu boy can have a gay lover i think i can make some shit up with my adult women bartenders. i guess....

rlly it was just a lot of self-indulgence here. i returned to my non-linears bc pacrim was so evil but also it's just fun... i missed her.... i wanted to write grown woman situationship with coworker and also missed timing characteristics LIKE I'M SORRY FOR BEING A DATABASE ANIMAL BUT I WOULD EAT THIS UP ALWAYS... so i'm putting it into the world. the biggest challenge with this one was not the writing or the narrative but was rlly just the characterization due to the lack of congruence between what i have imagined in my mind and what is actually there/what the average goukon fan will care about... so it was like AHHHHHH AHHHHHHHHHHHH. in the outtakes there's a lot of portions that would have been like Fine if they were real but they're not they're just imagined traits that i made up. it's like spongebob drawing a photorealistic face and then erasing it to end up with a perfect circle like i'm doing land smoothing and foundation construction from scratch in order to end up with grown woman yuri that isn't even real... unfortunately i think the premise is like too big of a hurdle to expect anyone to get over so i've given up on having an audience... i say this every time and astonishingly i've gotten floppier every time so i think LET'S SHOOT FOR.... 5 KUDOS!!!1 is a fair statement!!

i wanted to write a more subdued pov than i usually do.. like someone more even-keeled/seemingly objective regarding their love interest. kinda didn't turn out bc i kept accidentally doing gay fanfic prose but i did make an attempt... hashibami = unreliable narrator so initially the interactions with/her thoughts regarding karasuba can be read as a fairly normal, if familiar, friendship or coworkership. it takes multiple sections to get into what exactly karasuba is and has been to hashibami... from karasuba’s perspective it is a question of what she is to hashibami, given that hashibami never contacted her post-graduation but offered her business partnership and is constantly singling her out among the rose crew. from hashibami’s it’s a similar thing but with the additional knowledge that she had NOT been good to karasuba in glossing over the latter’s confession and continuing to sidestep tough topics... etc etc. like this is truly a situationship to me!!

i needed something else to sort-of-kind-of work on in between the terrors and horrors of pacrim arakao so this was kinda my little stress-relieving yuri passion project in the meantime. i started it in february and usually publishing anything within six months is unheard of from me (like what am i.. a writer?!) so it very obviously got out of hand and i can't tell if i've become unnecessarily verbose and my prose is suffering for it? or if finishing a 26k fic hacked my brain.. or both! but... u can decide.....

notes after the initial draft when i was rlly starting to get into the editing/tidying up:

• SHOW DON’T TELL wrt karasuba’s so-called philandering. i think a large part of hashibami’s pulling away is because the way she views their dynamic is that karasuba could have anyone, so why would she want hashibami? so there should be more detail involving the girls that hashibami sees with karasuba. i’m lowkey recreating horikashi with more steps omfg.
• ease up on headcanon city
• i don’t know if i like the rose bar dynamix section… at least suo’s argument about how hashibami singles out karasuba like i don’t think it’s feasible that of all of the students she wouldn’t know that karahashi are business partners… maybe go for ye olde referenced scene that directly leads into the storage room exchange… bc left as is would feels like a lot of bloat.
• it should be more obvious that hashibami DOES like karasuba. most fics can skim this bc it’s understood but bc im making soooo much up it needs to be clear.. she likes karasuba… she just doesn’t know what to do with it….
• streamline the cold open bc it’s soooo obvious…. like let’s be more ambiguous….. i think hashibami’s haterisms are too obviously me getting on a soapbox and there’s rlly no reason for all that… so i’d knock out most of the references to how she feels about men and add more implications for how she feels about karasuba, then&now
• rose bar dynamix need to be more…. natural….
• lots of telling in the lead-up to sakura confession
• karasuba is pulling a lot of super seme moves which is fine. but i don’t want it to seem like she’s trying to outright pressure hashibami

recurring motifs
obviously we also have Karasuba's Gaze which tells us that despite everything the one who holds her attention has always been hashibami.. lots of repetition regarding her even-keeled personality which is one of the reasons hashibami likes her so much.

of the non-linear narrative there is a fair amount of repeated lines/motifs between sections bc i wanted the drive home the fact that hashibami has also always thought of karasuba in a certain way!!! and that despite the years between their last/next connection, they're still very much the same people with the same feelings between them!! particularly with the past/present confessions i wanted there to be the same sort of rhythm so we have parallels btwn how hashibami responded back then and how she responds now that they have so much more behind them... not rlly much to look at here actually

outtakes

“Well, your family is fairly well-off, aren’t they? They do say that birds of a feather flock together.”

“I’d probably be like this even if they weren’t.” Hashibami knows it’s a shallow way to view the world, but she still finds herself appraising men using the same lens of her petit bourgeoisie grandparents. She isn’t even looking for a relationship, but whenever she meets a new guy, she runs down the list: lineage, size of wallet, ability, appearance. “I mean, it’s weird, but I always hated feeling like I was the only one contributing in the relationship. Men like to take.”

She thinks distantly of her time as a university student. If she were still one, the least offensive option would be someone like Tokiwa — tall and not unattractive, down-to-earth, safe almost to the point of tedium. If the conversation included bar personae, Suo would have been the closest thing to her ideal, but even that doesn’t seem like the right answer. Hashibami shakes her head.

• very obviously me getting on a soapbox like HASHIBAMI SHOULDN'T LIKE MEN!!!!!!11 one of the most egregious moments of headcanon city so i had to strike it out early on

“people with something to offer,” hashibami mutters. “hard workers, i guess.” she glances up at karasuba, humming in thought. “someone like suo, maybe?”

“someone like suo is everyone’s type,” karasuba muses.

• also considered something like this but it's like FUCK why is suo the bus driver?! but i do think that suo is hashibami's most perfect angel cast member. for the record.

“I don’t think I’ve changed at all since you knew me. Unless you think differently?”

Hashibami looks at Karasuba, the same dark hair, same calm expression as ever. “I don’t,” she says.

i don’t know, hashibami admits. i’m not sure. i don’t think you have, but reality isn’t dictated by what i think.

isn’t it? you mean to tell me you’re not the god of this world? and here i’d been operating under the assumption that if i kissed up to you enough i might get something out of it…

and here i thought you were helping me out of the goodness of your heart, hashibami says. some god i’d be, sitting here in the laundromat, shooting the shit with her old classmate.

karasuba laughs. well, you can be god of the rose bar. i’ll make offerings to you and everything. melon bread, pocket money, and beer. she casts a sideways glance at hashibami. what would you want as an offering?

• was playing around with the dialogue here but it's too banter-y... was just throwing things at a wall

“I’m sure we really could have done it on our own,” Karasuba says for what might be the eighth time. Hashibami stopped counting.

“It would have taken too long. Besides, I’m not really into manual labor.”

Karasuba lightly kicks her in the back of the knee. Hashibami smacks her on the shoulder and bites back a laugh. “Were you an office princess or something?”

“Not even a little,” Hashibami says, shaking her head exaggeratedly, slipping into that old delinquent tone she used to affect back in high school. “Matter of fact, I worked so damn hard, now I gotta take it easy to make it up.”

“What do you think they’re up to?” Karasuba says, back on the topic of fraternization. She’d always been like this, so singularly focused on a passing topic that she wouldn’t even address the latter portions of conversation.

• in my other goukon fic i characterized karasuba in passing as a cool masc only to find out that she has delicate oneesan hinomori shizuku visual energy so it was like FUCK... aside from that i don't think this fit anyway

The silence lasts long enough that Hashibami should really forget about the conversation, but it nags at her like the feeling of a loose thread hanging from her sleeve. Karasuba has already gone back to absently swiping blocks on her phone, though
The spin cycle is making her slightly woozy, but Hashibami doesn’t look away. If she looks at Karasuba, then Karasuba will

• initially had a longer pause before hashibami asks karasuba what her type is but it was too heavy-handed like LOOK AT HASHIBAMI FRETTING ABOUT THEIR RELATIONSHIP!!!!

After graduating university, Hashibami had worked her office job for half a decade before she’d had enough of the company politics, of sitting at her laptop all day and going back home to sit at her laptop more, of men leaning over the walls of her cubicle “just to chat for a bit” even though she knew that wasn’t what they wanted at all. She’d enjoyed being a free-spirited punk for six years and hated being an office lady for five; the math wasn’t hard to do, and it wasn’t as if she was the only person in the world who could read a spreadsheet. So she sent in her resignation notice, did her time, got out, and sunk a good portion of her funds into renovating an old property on a whim.

The bar back then had been a dilapidated building from the last century, a once-café or maybe something else; it was hard to say given the way it looked, all faded brick on the outside and pale, splintery wood on the inside. The idea of a fixer-upper had always appealed to her, the thought of making something beautiful with her own hands and ability, not just swinging her weight around at a moment’s notice, using her name on a business card like a preeminent title packed with implied qualifications. Besides, when the work got rough, she consoled herself with the reminder that this way, she was her own boss. It’s still a comforting fact when she’s balancing checkbooks and brainstorming the next bar event.

Furthermore, it’s good to work alongside people that she doesn’t have to force herself to be cordial with. At the office, the only thing on anyone’s mind was how to move up in the company, and so beneath the veneer of pleasantness she had always gotten the sense that no one cared about anyone, but at the bar, they get on like friends, a real sense of camaraderie in the interactions. Some of this can surely be attributed to the nature of the job itself, but Hashibami likes everyone at the Rose on a personal level in addition to a professional one. Suo, Fuji, Kohaku — her charming and hardworking juniors. And Karasuba —

She is thankful, nonetheless. Karasuba is the pillar of the bar, and Hashibami owes its success to her. It is something she thinks about often.

• kept this one in for a while but again it was very obviously headcanon city and it's also very expository.. might use some of this for the rose bar genfic when i get around to it but it wasn't necessary for this one.. bc the central theme is krhs r/s!!! not the BARRRRR

she doesn’t think she’s a particularly masculine woman, but neither can she deny the pride that she feels when she’s looked to as the pseudo-man of the house that is a business.

Cutting corners wasn’t unheard of so long as the end result was adequate, and “adequate” never sat well with Hashibami, so at her bar she tries to set a good example for the others. Here at the Rose, Suo is her pride and joy bound up in the even-keeled demeanor of a university student with an uncanny knack for hosting, while Fuji is the definitive idea-man and always has something new to bring to the table — the original concept of playing character types was hers — and Kohaku’s earnestness reminds Hashibami of when she was much younger and everything in the world seemed so much more consequential, but it’s a good perspective to have on the team. She does enjoy her seniority, but it isn’t like she wouldn’t enjoy having the girls around regardless.

• headcanon city

She gives Suo a disapproving look, which Suo seems to be intent on ignoring.

“Lost touch, hm?” Suo says lightly, brushing her hair back. “Even though you seem so close now.”

“If it was a story I wanted to tell,” Hashibami says, “you all would have heard it by now. You’re… you’re young.”

“You’re not too old yourself, Hashibami-san.”

“You’re inexperienced,” Hashibami corrects. “There are plenty of reasons people would drift apart at one point in time and come together at another.”

“I’m simply curious about the reasons.”

Kohaku is wringing her hands again. “I think it’s nice that you two managed to reconnect,” she says, visibly distressed.

“Well, I never said it wasn’t,” Suo laughs. “Of course, I think it’s wonderful. And you, Fuji?”

Fuji closes her artbook with the distinctive air of someone who is about to get the last word in an exchange. Hashibami already knows there is nothing more to say on her side, so she collects the rest of the material in her arms — vases, small glass sculptures, the like — and heads to storage.

“Fateful,” comes Fuji’s even tone.

• rlly wanted to insert fuji lowkey himejoshi'ing out but i've realized my default first draft dialogue always ends up being a lot of argumentation for no reason like it's always no one getting what they want for maximum tension. which works if that's what i'm intending, but if it's not going to pan out into the larger narrative then it's just ppl fighting for no reason, which makes SUO look bad and i didn't like that.. i rlly wanted more dynamix but perhaps in rose bar genfic...

like many of her peers, hashibami had had a punk phase, a time in her second year of high school when she’d buzzed off all her hair, gotten an eyebrow piercing, adopted a yankee-style rhythm to her speech. it had been rebellion, more than anything else, the way teenagers do things because they’re told not to more than because they want to. she hadn’t been a real rebel, even, because she still attended classes and studied business
but she had wanted to see how far she could go with it, see what would happen

• headcanon city

Hashibami has caught glimpses of her in the changing room — accidentally glancing over for splits of split seconds before snapping her eyes back to her own reflection. Back when they’d first met Karasuba had been broad but lean; now she is decidedly more solid, and though not hulking, beneath her dress shirt and blazer Hashibami can trace the swell of her muscles with every move.

Of course the playful energy of a dog, or someone resembling one, tends to call to mind puppies or golden retrievers or samoyeds, but when Hashibami looks at Karasuba, she thinks of the doberman.

• also headcanon city but additionally the trite gay fanfiction trope of checking out ur bestie and acting like it's not gay of you was shoehorned and not delicious. so it got scrapped

Miraculously the building is not packed, and Karasuba had made some small talk while they waited for their drinks. The bartender had obviously been charmed, and Hashibami had picked a bottle of liquor to stare at in the interim. The bartender is certainly is no Fuji, but she has a bright and nimble-handed, if almost nervous, way about her.

• made the bartender seem too important and was a little too much scene-setting but i did like it...

and looking very much like the painting in the living room of Hashibami’s grandparents’ house, entitled Chivalry.
Something about this sight inclined her to agree whenever

A naturally delicate, if slightly androgynous, look about her, somewhere between pretty boy and handsome girl. She had certainly been eyecatching.

the sound rising from her throat like a bird call. For some reason it had stuck with Hashibami throughout the years, how Karasuba would throw back her head, the clear ring of her voice, and then how her eyes would scrunch up with mirth, crow’s feet at the corners.

• waxing sooo poetic..... i do like the second portion bc it implies karasuba gets takarazuka comparisons WHICH I THINK IS REAL given that she's the tallest of the female cast which makes her second in height only to tokiwa (possibly hagi but that doesn't even sound right LMFAO).. it's a nice description but it was too purple which is how i feel about the last one as well. like girl i get her name has crow in it but we can't start by calling someone doglike and end by calling her birdlike!!!!!!

“Well, you remembered me, too,” Hashibami says.

Karasuba smiles, a little too wide. A strand of hair falls into her eyes. “I could never forget you.” It is something very close to what she would say to a girl at the Rose, so Hashibami chooses not to address that and continues, aware of their bartender nonchalantly wiping down the counter as if she’s not listening in.

If it were coming from anyone else, Hashibami would bristle, but in Karasuba’s even-keeled tone it sounds like a genuine question.
she sounds hurt

flirting

“Hey, senpai, do you ever wear your piercings anymore?” Karasuba gestures to her own face. “You had that one in your eyebrow, right?”

Hashibami shrugs. “Sometimes. When I became an office lady, I had to take them out. Got used to the feeling. I forget to put them back in.” She sweeps her hair back. “I don’t even really wear earrings these days.”

• headcanon city

although Karasuba has been receiving enough patronage that she’s not far behind

• i like when my faves are successful but sometimes it is not relevant

every part of karasuba has the solid quality of a stone wall, only instead of cold rock it is karasuba who is warm and comfortable

• shoehorned

i’ve always liked, you know, looking at the tracks and the wires, hashibami says, which is true, but it isn’t something that bears mention. it’s a marvel of engineering, trains — obviously function is the crucial aspect, but the form is beautiful, too, don’t you think —

When the train departs it leaves nothing in its wake at all. Hashibami looks over at the tracks, a milky-sweet aftertaste in her mouth.

• unnecessary

Hashibami wonders how she hadn’t missed this until now, a delayed reaction, belated longing for Karasuba to look at her again and say, Look, look. Senpai —

• there was like a brief moment where i considered doing a flipped type of thing where it was 5 times karasuba was looking at hashibami and 1 time hashibami looked back or whatever but it wasn't interesting.. i prefer the dynamix of a constant&unchanging lover... like a perpetual motion machine.....

Karasuba does not have Hashibami caged physically, but the series of looks she’s been sending her way all night feels close to it. Hashibami is a professional adult woman who acts professionally and with an adult-like demeanor, but even she has limits.

Hashibami feels again like she’s behind bars.

• bloat

“If it’s off the clock,” Karasuba murmurs, “then it’s out of your hands, right?”

“That’s not how this works,” Hashibami starts, her voice quavering. It doesn’t feel at all like speaking up in a meeting full of men in black suits, eyes burning into her head. Karasuba’s gaze is gentle and her

“You like me, don’t you?”

“Karasuba — ”

• wrt characterization i did accidentally fall into the high-pressure superseme trap so i had to consciously ease up on thatfdhaafhjahjdfs the narukami arashi contrail.......

They are grown women and Hashibami feels weak in the knees.

She steadies herself by gripping Karasuba by the triceps, although that might make it worse. The muscles flex and relax beneath her touch as Karasuba winds arms around her waist, pulling her close

• bloated

parts i liked
now for the good stuff!!!

“Youth,” Karasuba says knowingly.

Hashibami eyes the timer on the dryer. “You’re one to talk. It’s not like you didn’t get your fair share of philandering back then.”

“Philandering?”

“Oh, come on. You’d always have a girl with you outside of classes.”

“Ah, that’s right. But that’s because they were always looking for me.” Something about the way Karasuba looks up through her eyelashes as she smiles makes Hashibami feel shy, or vulnerable, or something like that. She expects it’s the same way their patrons feel whenever Karasuba turns up the charm. “I didn’t think of any of them like that.”

• smooth exchange pleasant syntax idk i liked it!!

Karasuba shrugs, and like that, the petulance dissipates, though the steady eye contact holds. She pushes the toe of her shoe against the footrest on Hashibami’s stool.

• playing in the challengers script closet but i did think it was cute… karasuba’s many gestures of comfort/interest in hashibami and hashibami being aware enough to notice… i think this is a good example of what i mean when i say i wanted to write a more objective pov like hashibami IS noticing all this but she’s not thinking hard about it. also implies it’s a regular thing that occurs

Like a scene from a movie, the blossoms falling around them, the steady hold of Karasuba’s gaze, the air heavy with spring. A moment frozen and framed. By this time next year Hashibami would be graduated with a job, but Karasuba would still be here. In the open air of any season, with a pretty girl on her arm outside of class, a melon bread in hand, throwing her head back and laughing. Something had tugged at Hashibami, in her stomach, and she hadn’t known what expression to make or what to say, or what could be said at all.

• preemptive mourning is so good tho

As they begin walking to the train station, their steps synchronize naturally, down the stairs, along the sidewalks.

They reach the station itself before long, illuminated in the darkness like a lighthouse beacon, and they briskly climb up to the platform and wait. Karasuba’s train is due in two minutes. The wind isn’t quite as biting as in the dead of winter; still, Hashibami still clutches at her black tea for warmth, bringing her muffler up to cover her chin, though it doesn’t help much. She tries not to shiver. In contrast, Karasuba’s neck is bared to the elements, her coat worn open, and her hair blows about her face. The only things that imply she feels the cold at all are her hands deep in her pockets and the flutter of her lashes against the wind.

• it feels like it’s been a long time since i did mobile description… description where there is movement or a sense of it instead of my usual stationary and pensive/meandering descriptions. so i liked how these portions read…

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Hashibami-senpai,” Karasuba calls, turning her head but not quite making eye contact.

“Senpai,” Karasuba had said, “I notice everything about you. I like you, after all.”

• i liked the back-to-back cuts of these. it’s probably very obvious to the reader that what had occurred back in university was a love confession or something similar but it was fun. to me. like oooo…

Hashibami swallows and it’s like drinking needles, past her dry throat all the way down to the old relentless tugging in her gut. “I like you,” she says at last. She feels sick to her stomach. “I like you, Karasuba.”

• i don’t know if i like the confession scene itself and i may have gone too heavy-handed with the ailments of the heart manifesting as physical maladies in hashibami BUT i liked the cadence of this paragraph

final thoughts
certainly breaks no new ground but i did enjoy writing it…. happy to be a bit more prolific although in the back of my mind im always afraid that im actually getting worse but isnt that what i had always wanted..? more worse faster… shitty pots…… and time will tell!! writing gay women in love is important to me so i’m glad i was once again able to put my money where my himejoshi mouth is even if i do look insane to everyone including myself <3